delivery – Lukewarm Coffee Mom

Desiree’s Story- Part Two

On Mila’s third birthday in August of 2018 we decided we would try for another baby. Time was getting away from us and we didn’t want an age gap of more than 3-4 years. Our house was also on the market and showing our house with two dogs and a toddler was so difficult.

After my sister started having children, I found it so hard to live away from her and her babies. Gordon and I found ourselves in the same situation as before; three months had passed and I still wasn’t pregnant. I called the midwife and was told to give it a year again.

We finally found out we were expecting and again it was around Christmas time. This time the positive test was not as faint! I thought for sure we would have two August babies. The first midwife appointment rolled around and it was all new staff and we were given a due date of July 14^th!Woohoo!

My pregnancy with Brynn was so much easier than Mila’s pregnancy. We did not find the gender out this time. I was so shocked to find out we would only be getting one ultrasound. I kept up with my strength training schedule. I was still a nanny to 4 or 5 children Monday through Friday. Besides the sickness and normal winter blues, I was rocking the crap out of my second pregnancy! Then Spring rolled around and I started to get uncomfortable.

During my second pregnancy I listened to birth podcasts every night in bed. The Birth Hour was my favorite. I was determined to have the most unassisted birth as possible. I began planning this birth with the midwife team around week 32. The midwife, Heather, showed me some birthing positions that would help me achieve my goal of catching my baby.

They all had warned me that catching your baby on your own outside of water would take a lot of physical control and strength but I was confident in my training abilities. I didn’t think a water birth would be something I would be comfortable with. I didn’t want to sit in a tub full of my body fluids. I took the positioning advice very seriously and even talked to Gordon about it at home.

I was so active during my second pregnancy that I started doing the stairs at Norwich University. It would give me some pressure and I had been having pre-labor like contractions for a straight week but no labor contractions.

I blame it on being so active that nothing I was doing to bring on labor would stir things up enough. I talked with the midwife at my 38-week appointment, and they put me on the machines and could see I was in pre-labor and about 2 centimeters dilated. They told me that by next week, at 39 weeks, if I still hadn’t gone into labor, they could stir things up if I wanted.

39 weeks rolled around, and I was still so uncomfortable. I went in for my 39 week appointment and they told me in three days they could try to do a soft approach to induction knowing I didn’t want to have any Pitocin.

Gordon and I went in at 9:00 am and they gave me Misoprostol, which is commonly used for labor induction but it can take up to three days if you are not close enough to being in active labor. The midwife had me sign a piece of paper which stated this medication wasn’t created for induction but would often times cause uterine contractions if you are pregnant. I could go home at any point if it wasn’t working.

I had the first dose at 10:00 am and the contractions I was experiencing were just as strong as the ones at home. I felt so weird hanging out in Labor and Delivery fairly comfortably- eating the delicious Gifford soup and joking with Gordon. The second dose was given at about 12:00 pm and by 2:00 pm I found myself having to breathe through the contractions.

The midwife, Julia, was on the fence about if she should give me another dose because it was clear I was in active labor by this point. I told her I wasn’t scared of the pain at this point. I took the final dose at 3:00 pm. At 5:00 pm, Julia came in to check me and I was 5 centimeters dilated with pretty strong contractions and a bulging bag of waters. She asked if I wanted her to break my water and I said, “Why not?! Let’s have this baby!”

Gordon was freaking out at the sight of the hook they used to break my water. He kept asking me while she was in the process of breaking my water if I was okay, haha. The following contraction was much stronger and at this point Julia told me I was almost 6 centimeters and she would be right out in the hallway if I needed her.

I hopped into the shower with Gordon and we called our moms to let them know labor was picking up. By 6:30 pm I told Gordon the shower wasn’t even touching the pain of the contractions like it did with my first pregnancy. The contractions were stronger than I remember. Gordon kept asking what he could do to help.

I used breathing techniques from the labor podcasts I had been listening to and it worked pretty well. At 7:00 pm I told Gordon go get Julia, because I felt poop or pushing coming on and that could mean the baby is coming.

Julia came in and asked if I could get on the bed to be checked. I did and it was so uncomfortable. I was told I was still around 6/7 centimeters and might need to go poop. I went poop and hopped back in the shower. Good thing Gordon and I are on year 9 together and wipe a 4 year old every day because he had to wipe for me. That is love, ladies and gentleman.

The shower became a waste of time and I told Gordon I still felt the urge to push and I needed to get in the room and prepare for the baby, because I knew the baby was coming soon. I went into the room and started to feel like I was going to vomit. I turned to Gordon and said, “Go tell Julia I am in transition.” Thank you to the podcasts for this education. Transition is referred to as the most difficult part of labor.

Julia came back in, I was bent over the bed and told her I still felt the need to push. She asked if I could get into the bed so she could check me again and I asked if she could check me where I was. Julia being the badass she is said, “Yes, no problem.” She bent down to check me and said I was at 10 centimeters but still had a little bit of cervix. She asked if I wanted to push it out of the way and she could help.

I was glad to hear this but right as we are discussing the next plan of action, I start pooping on the poor woman. I felt so bad and she told me it was nothing to be ashamed of, and it happens all the time.

I took off my robe like a boxer entering the ring. We were between my bed and the bed they wheeled in for Gordon, which was probably the worst place I could have picked to deliver this child. I was in so much pain- it was radiating through my body and I was shaking and shivering uncontrollably. I felt the baby drop down and knew I needed to push.

I took a knee just like Heather had shown me in the office at my appointments. I told Gordon to push against my chest so the contractions wouldn’t cause me to fall forward. Julia said, “Okay, you got this momma!” The nurse started piling pads and blankets on the floor as a safety precaution and also to help catch some of the mess. I closed my eyes and focused on what I wanted to do.

I carried this baby for 9 months without knowing the gender and I wanted to be the first one to hold my child. Julia listened to my breathing and in the softest voice was instructing my breaths to slow the birth. I slowly let the head come out of my cervix, letting my instincts do most of the pushing and not forcing it. I grabbed the head of my baby and looked to Julia, “I think I’m holding the baby by the eyes. Am I poking the baby’s eye?” She reassured me that no, that’s how to catch them. The baby is okay. She kept my focus on my breathing and with the next contraction I used my hands to feel the shoulders entering the world and slowly coming out of my body. The rest of the baby followed as I moved my hands to the baby’s armpits.

The baby was out and facing away from me. The nurse yelled that the umbilical cord was on the baby’s neck. I tried to get it off but Julia was right behind me and reached over me to get the cord off the baby. The baby was still so silent and peaceful that I looked at Julia in a panic and asked, “Why isn’t my baby crying?” Julia said, “You did it momma! You just had the most peaceful birth and that baby is very happy. The baby is okay.”

I started to rub the baby’s back just like I heard in the podcast and she made little whimpering sounds but still never cried out. I flipped the baby over and looked up at Gordon, who was now standing in front of me with his hands over his mouth. “You are the strongest woman I know. I can’t believe you just did that.”

I wanted to look and see what the gender was but the cord was still so tight between the baby’s legs that all I saw was a big swollen area that looked like a boy. I told them I thought it was a boy but Julia told me to move the cord. I slid the cord over and looked at Gordon with a big grin and said, “It’s another girl!”

Gordon jumped over the bed and started to get emotional because I had told him this whole pregnancy how happy it would make me to give Mila a sister because of the bond I had with my sister growing up. It was so special for me and he had the same bond with his younger brother that I wanted Mila to have the same gender sibling, even though we would have been happy either way.

Julia told us that she wished we had a camera up in the corner of the room because that was the kind of birth she wanted to be part of and that this was the kind of birth that makes her want to live in Vermont.

I was then helped up onto the bed where I delivered the placenta with intense contractions just as strong as the ones I was experiencing for the actual birth. I remember getting my first real looks at little Brynn and telling Gordon she is so tiny, and smaller than Mila. I was guessing she was under 6 pounds. The shock was starting to fade as it set in that I just did what I did. I told Julia that was amazing and just like I wanted to do it. She said she’s had a couple mothers ask if they can deliver their baby but that was the first time she had actually seen someone do it.

I was so happy. I wanted to nurse Brynn right away and get our breastfeeding off to a great start. Brynn had zero issue latching and it was so nice to not need any help or guidance because Mila had me on professional level with my nursing game.

Brynn nursed the entire hospital stay and I remember the nurses telling me they needed Brynn to stay and give nursing lessons to all the little nurslings in the hospital. We finally got to introduce Mila to her baby sister. Mila was so in love from the start but kept telling me she thought it was a boy baby in my belly. Things at home were pretty great right away. The age gap was perfect because Mila could understand there was plenty of love for both of them and she loves Brynn so much.

Gordon and I are so happy to be the parents of two beautiful girls and because I was able to live out my mommy fantasy of a completely unassisted birth, we are all done making babies.

My Birth Story

Writing about my birth story has been brewing in my mind since my first few weeks home. Once we were home with our girl, and my husband, Dan, went back to work a few days a week, I started reflecting on my experience.

Once I started reflecting, I realized I had a LOT of emotions. One of those emotions was fear. There were times I didn’t want to think about what I had just gone through. Reliving some of those moments was simply too overwhelming.

For me, writing is therapeutic. I wanted to write my story. I wanted to get my experience articulated so I could sort through my emotions. I wanted to relive it, so that I could eliminate the parts that made me fearful.

Now that I’ve sorted through my birth story, I feel empowered.

I want that for every one of us. If I was scared, so was someone else. I want all of us to feel brave enough to be scared.

Hopefully, telling my story will make the scary parts less scary. Maybe it won’t. But maybe someone else will say, “I was scared, too” and we can support each other.

So, here goes!

Dan and I got married in August 2018. We decided that once we were married, we were open to having a baby whenever it happened. We found out we were pregnant in the beginning of November 2018.

The first trimester was ROUGH. Morning sickness? Nope. Just nausea all.day.long. Conveniently, it was also flu season, and I ended up with a virus of some kind that turned into a sinus infection. The second and third trimesters went relatively well. I loved the rest of pregnancy, honestly.

Towards the end of the third trimester, I was ALL belly. With the summer months came swollen feet and ankles. I had a lot of discomfort sleeping, and Braxton Hicks almost every time I stood up.

She was due July 13 and my last day at work was going to be July 3. I planned to start maternity leave the week before her due date, to finish nesting and put my swollen feet up.

The Wednesday before my planned last day at work, my manager and I decided that I was going to take my maternity leave early. I was really uncomfortable during the day and at night was having Braxton Hicks so badly that I was barely sleeping.

That Friday, the “fake” contractions felt less fake and they were increasing in intensity and frequency. We went to the hospital that night to get checked and see if I was in early labor.

I stayed at the hospital to be monitored for a few hours and went from 1 centimeter to 1.5 centimeters. So, at 3 in the morning, we headed back home.

All day Saturday I had early labor contractions. None of which were close enough together or intense enough to warrant going back in. Until about 9:00 that night. We went back in to get checked and I was at 3 centimeters and after another few hours I was at 4.5 centimeters!

We were admitted around 11:45 pm on Saturday, June 29.

I remember one of my biggest concerns was what my water breaking would be like. At some point during labor, my midwife and I decided that she would break my water to speed things up. It felt like I peed my pants and was definitely not as exciting as I thought it would be.

At that point, the contractions were really uncomfortable, but tolerable. With the guidance of my midwife, I tried various positions, the tub, the ball, the shower… What was most comfortable was putting the ball on a chair in the shower and leaning forward onto the ball with the warm water on my back.

Around noon on Sunday (almost 12 hours after being admitted!) I was ready for some kind of pain management. What was “uncomfortable but tolerable” was no longer bearable. Mainly because my body was exhausted. I hadn’t slept, I had no appetite to eat.

This is the reason I didn’t have a specific birth plan. I wanted to know all my options and be able to decide what I needed, when I needed it.

I wanted to see how far my body could go without pain management. After 2 days of early labor, 12 hours of active labor… I found out exactly how far that was.

My midwife and I had discussed “therapeutic rest” as my first option. An IV medication that would allow my body to continue laboring, but would hopefully let me rest. I knew a lot of women who tried this, without great results, but I was willing to give it a go.

I was able to doze off for about 3 hours. I could still feel the contractions and they were still uncomfortable, but they were dulled. That wore off eventually and I still wasn’t fully dilated. So the labor continued.

A couple hours later, around 5:30 pm, I decided I was ready for the epidural. I had rallied a little bit, jumped back in the shower with the ball, but my body didn’t have much left.

The anesthesiologist came down to my room. We talked through the process, the big needle, what would happen after… I was ready. He put a big sticky sheet on my back and I had to sit on the edge of my bed with my back rounded, “like a shrimp” he told me and I had to be perfectly still.

You try being perfectly still, curled like a shrimp, while having contractions!

He gave me an injection so that my back was numb. It burned a little. I didn’t feel the epidural needle. And moments after, I couldn’t feel the lower half of my body. After the days and hours of labor, WHAT A RELIEF!

I kept asking the midwife if there was something I was supposed to be doing. After all the hard work I had just done, letting my body do the work while I just laid in the hospital bed made me feel like a slacker!

At this point, I was stuck at 9.5 centimeters. My cervix wasn’t dilating to 10 centimeters because of scar tissue. We talked about options, and my midwife thought that she could massage the scar tissue out of the way to get to 10.

We tried for awhile, and labor slowed down because of the epidural. So, they gave me pitocin and labor sped back up. We tried pushing when there was a contraction- my midwife told me when to push because I couldn’t feel the contractions.

At this point in the evening, the shifts changed and one of the other midwives was going to be coming on. I had met all of the midwives for appointments throughout the pregnancy and was so fortunate that I was comfortable with all of them.

Once they did rounds, and discussed what was going on, they both came in to discuss and evaluate what our best options were. The new midwife, also felt confident that we could get the scar tissue out of the way, but then, our girl changed positions.

She was now brow presentation. Instead of having her head tucked (chin to chest), she had lifted her chin, and was trying to come out forehead first.

The midwives explained that once a baby was in that position, it was very difficult to deliver vaginally. Sometimes, they could be rotated, but that was rare. Our best option was going to be a c-section.

Neither baby or mama was in any medical danger. Her heart rate was still great. She was cool as a cucumber. At this point, so was I.

They explained that one the c-section plan was set in place, it would get overwhelming and seem like everyone was rushing but that was just how the team was trained to operate, and not to worry.

The doctor that would be doing the procedure, I had met before as well, so it was nice to see a familiar face. Again, I can’t speak highly enough of the team at the hospital we went to. More talking about what would happen, and what to expect.

I was excited and ready to meet our girl!

We were wheeled to surgery, and Dan was being instructed to scrub up. I don’t remember what was happening with me, I know they put a scrub cap over my hair, and I’m sure they were talking to me about what was about to happen. By this point I was in the middle of a full blown panic attack.

My midwife was on one side holding my hand, and my nurse, who was 37 weeks pregnant, was holding the other. They were doing their best to calm me down, and I was trying desperately to stop all the thoughts in my head.

I was laser focused on the nurse that was giving Dan instructions on scrubbing up. He was telling Dan where he would be through the procedure, telling him what would happen, did he want to cut the umbilical cord?

I was shaking. I remember feeling trapped and claustrophobic because I had so much in my head that I couldn’t focus on any one thought. Dan had to stay outside the operating room while they got me on the table, and then they would bring him in.

They wheeled me into the OR while the nurse was still giving Dan instructions. I was trembling, my teeth were chattering and tears were rolling down my face. My nurse and midwife both kept close to my head to talk to me and squeeze my hand.

Once I got into the OR, they put the curtain up and put the oxygen mask on me. I was still shaking and they put the heating pad on me, but I wasn’t shaking because I was cold.

I remember my nurse squeezing my hand at one point and winking at me. Telling me that I was doing an incredible job (she had been with me for hours of my labor) and she was proud of me and that our baby girl would be here so soon. I will never forget her kind words.

The anesthesiologist was the same from earlier, and again, I appreciated seeing a familiar face. He asked if I was okay, explained everything thoroughly, that the oxygen mask was only on until the baby was here, and then we could take it off, neither of us was in danger.

I asked him if there was any way we could adjust the mask and the drape to make me feel less claustrophobic. He immediately adjusted the mask a bit and tightened the drape so that it wasn’t hanging over my face.

Dan came into the OR and immediately grabbed my hand. He said that I would be okay, I was in good hands. I remember telling him I wasn’t worried about the procedure. When he asked what I was nervous about, I told him my fears.

What if I didn’t know how to hold her? Or put clothes on her? Or change her diaper? What if I wasn’t going to be a good mom?

He chuckled and assured me that, she was coming either way, and we would figure it all out together. No need to worry.

The anesthesiologist asked me, “Did you feel that?” When I asked “Feel what?” He explained they had made a test cut, and he nodded at the surgery team and we were ready to go.

10 minutes later, they lifted our girl up over the curtain. I don’t remember if she cried or yelled or what. But she was here! At 9:38 pm on Sunday, June 30 (exactly 2 weeks before her due date) she was here!

They said she was perfect and they were going to clean her up. They asked Dan if he wanted to come cut her umbilical cord. He cut the cord and came back over to me. I asked if she was okay, and he nodded.

When they brought her over, they asked if I wanted her on my chest, but I was still shaking and had one arm strapped to the table so I had Dan hold her. He sat next to my head with our sweet girl wrapped up in blankets.

She was so peaceful and calm. Slowly blinking and looking around. Though I was still shaking, I felt like I could finally relax. The one thing going through my mind, was relief and how much I was looking forward to sleeping.

I felt so guilty that I wanted to sleep. She was finally here! But my body was toast.

They sewed me up, and wheeled me into recovery. Dan was headed to a room next to recovery to do skin-to-skin with our girl until I regained feeling in my legs.

I regained feeling almost instantly, and within minutes, they were bringing her in to do skin-to-skin with me. As soon as they put her in my arms, I stopped shaking. Every fear, every worry, was gone. I immediately felt at ease.

We did skin-to-skin for awhile and the nurses helped her latch for the first time. They rolled us back down to our room, and the next couple days are a blur.

It was a flurry of nurses in and out to give me medications and check my vitals. Hours of staring at our perfect girl instead of sleeping. Worrying about how to swaddle her. Trying to absorb all the information that all the nurses, surgeon and pediatrician was giving us. Trying to drink enough water. Trying to eat when I didn’t have an appetite.

We got the hang of breastfeeding pretty quickly… at least on one side. Which we were told was normal, but was still frustrating. We tried all kinds of holds to get her to latch on the other side. Even today, it’s something we still struggle with.

Our immediate family came to visit briefly. I was up and walking quickly. More than anything I was tired. When we got discharged to leave on July 3rd, I was so elated to be home with our girl and our pets.

Of all the things I thought I would feel once becoming a mom, fear of my birth experience wasn’t something I was prepared for. I’m not afraid of parenting, or of whether I can clothe or change her diaper, despite my pre-surgery panic attack. But when I think back on getting her into the world, fear still bubbles up.

I wish I would have done more research into c-section recovery. I knew what the procedure would consist of, because I researched that beforehand. I didn’t think that would need to prepare for a c-section recovery. My incision has healed, but I still don’t have complete feeling back around the incision. I wish I would have known that.

Even more than that, I wish I would have known how hard breastfeeding was going to be. Especially while recovering from a c-section. Even once I was recovered, breastfeeding was still the hardest part of being a new mom.

I was not prepared for breastfeeding to be the hardest part of this journey. Even now, our girl is 10 weeks old, and breastfeeding is still the hardest part. We’ve gotten the hang of it now, but it’s still not easy.

I hope that sharing my story empowers other moms. I hope that someone out there can relate. I can’t wait to hear other stories, and talk about our fears and get through them together.

What are some fears you had, mama? Drop them in the comments!