Deja Vu

2020… are you done yet?!

Covid cases are spiking and breaking records in our small little community. It’s hitting closer and closer to home.

Last night before breaking down, I realized it’s like being a kid waiting to see if your school was going to get a snow day or not. Except this is much less fun than a snow day.

Waiting, waiting and more waiting- to see what is going to happen. Are we going to get shut down again? Is my family going to be impacted? Is one of my loved ones in danger? Has someone I know been exposed? What is safe? What isn’t safe? How far into lock down do we go?

Back in March when everything shut down the first time, there was a certain excitement that came with having to be shuttered in with my little family. For my deeply introverted soul, being shuttered in the cozy walls of my own home, with the person I vowed forever to, and my snuggly new 10 month old baby girl seemed like a dream.

We made it through the last of winter, into the muddy Spring and into a beautiful summer. Our girl grew, we were able to safely expand our small world. First with outside distanced visits with immediate family, then to a few trusted friends, and eventually take out and safely shopping at a few stores.

I was able to venture out to get coffee and stop in to my favorite thrift stores and do small amounts of non-essential errands and shopping. I always leave the house making sure I have “wallet, keys, phone,” and I added mask and hand sanitizer to the ritual and have been able to gain some sanity back.

That snuggly 10 month old is now 16 months old and while there is still a fair amount of snuggling, there is double the attitude. As it turns out, spending 24/7 with your partner is a real test of those vows. Needless to say, we’ve all learned a lot about each other and ourselves.

Now, with the positives spiking in our community, and friends and family pleading on social media to pump the brakes with social gatherings, I’ve lost my rose colored glasses. It doesn’t feel exciting or cozy to be worrying about whether or not we’re spending the holidays as a family of three.

It’s scary. More and more people we know are being affected, losing family or friends. It’s creeping closer. I just started getting comfortable with the way our family interacts now. Seeing grandparents, keeping a 6′ distance, running errands in a mask, constant hand sanitizing and washing.

Now, I feel like I’m waiting for the rug to be pulled again. Waiting for something bad to happen.

I don’t want big parties and gatherings. I just want my baby to be able to snuggle with her grandparents without fear. I want to be able to feel safe giving my friends a big, long hug. I want to snuggle on my besties couch with a glass of wine and laugh until my stomach hurts while she hugs and snuggles my daughter. I want play dates, while us parents watch from the sidelines as we sip our coffee.

I have posts written about being kind to others and kind to ourselves, posts about holiday shopping and ways to save a few dollars- but every time I’m about to hit publish, it seems like the world flips. What was relevant then, is suddenly trivial.

So, I’m going to save those posts for another day.

Today, tomorrow, the near future… just do your best. Find joy in the simple, small things. Be safe. Wear your mask. Wash your hands. Do what is best for you and your family. Don’t judge others.

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